500 days of summer

i want to act

but i think now. the more i watch movies, the more i realize i don't really like myself. not that there's anything bad to me i think i'm a good person
but then i see people in movies that are so much more creative than me, and it makes me not want to be

myself ?

i realize i'm not really as 'individual', you could say, at how I think.
of course the characters in the movie aren't real
but the lines are, and the ideas are from real people

i wonder.... if i had never watched a movie in my life, and liked the characters in them more than myself
if i would be the same person i am now.
if i hadn't of compared myself to them, or even tried to BE like them, would I be any different.
would i think any different, or be any more interesting, rather than just
average.

if we didn't have these things to influence us on what is the 'ideal' type of person in our minds, maybe it wouldn't be so hard for everyone to be themselves..
or to just not care what other people thought of them.

of course I could be wrong, but do i really want to try and contribute to people like me who are impressionable, so they turn to movies or shows instead of finding their own identity ?
i've always had a hard time thinking for myself. of course i have my own beliefs and opinions, but not necessarily my own identity. I guess that's just something to work on.
tell me to go shop for clothes that are completely my style, and I will have NO clue what to do.
"lost" if you will.


B.T.W. i finally deleted my myspace. ...1 month and 1 day later than i said i was going to
but BAM! did it. hahah. sooo0o proud. S0 proud.

"wait til you see my smile"

i woke up this morning, and for the first time this week i woke up with an overwhelmingly good feeling.
i went out on the balcony and just sat and read, then went and took a walk down perris by where i live.
ew i sound so old... .. ......
.... .. .
but at the beginning of the road on either side of it is just a liiine of trees, and they were changing alll different colors and falling while i was walking it was like straight out of a movie hah. so i walked up and down THAt about 3 times. people problly thought i didn't know where i was trying to go ahaha- i have to say though, I didn't think I needed to relax like that like I problly did.

so yesterday was cool!
lotss of dancing, and LOTS of all that christmas spirit going around school and work. It was just one of those days where nothing really goes wrong, but it's still kind of bittersweet because you know another day like that isn't gonna happen.. at least for a long time. because if amazing days just happened all the time, they wouldn't be so amazing after awhile.

it was a day with a lesson though, where you realize
that just a hug..or seeing OTHER people's happiness is all you need to hit the life back into you

fear

so church was amazing tonight, after this forthemostpartcrappy day hhaha.

I keep typing and then deleting
and then typing and deleting some more
I've done it about 3 times now because my mind is blank, but I still feel like I have so much to say

weird huh!
I feel like life is changing so much now, or is going to change so much, and so fast.
I'm trying to complain less.. even though it's not like I look for sympathy when I say sumthing like "it's hot".. I just say it.
But I'm afraid that life is going by too quick for me to catch up.
Someone I work with might have to quit, and I'm afraid I didn't take advantage of everyone I work with like I should. Because what if it becomes too late ? I'm just bad when it comes to handling change. I'm not just bad I'm HORRIBLE at it.
Let's not protect our pride hahh.
This hasn't really helped much either, I've just been writing in my journal ALOT and I'm not sure I have any more ink in my pen hhaha, so I started typing !
I'm really a happy person don't get me wrong..
I just need to keep reminding myself that the church is all I need to turn to if I feel like life is starting to go too fast, or out of control.

Life is good, it really is.. I just feel like I'm on a kind of low point right now. Not an extreme low point

just an I'm not sure what to do now that things have changed more than I was ready for point.
I hope there's a point for that, cuz I'm on it. hahahah

I don't get it

what do i do wrong !

"I can't shake this little feeling
I never get anything right" --Brand New
hah that^ was stupid

people swear like I know how to get along with everyone
when in reality. i don't.
i don't know how to have a long conversation wth hardly anybody .
i don't know how to keep things going!
i just think wayyy too hard ABOUT keeping things going

maybe I'm just so insecure that I'm scared to try and have a conversation
VERY. rarely can I look somebody in the eye for awhile while we're talking, I've realized.
I'm just a weird person. a reallyyy really weird person hah.
when you can't conversate, you make jokes.
:X!

it was church

all i needed
!


lds.org

saturday night

and im b-logging
i don't think i could get ANY . LAMER
than this.

i had plans tonight
:0

and i got DITCHED !!
:/
so here i am lookin all cute.. with that typical NOT going out face that looks kiind of like >:/.. but really means >:O hahahh
its okay though, i'm really not in the mood to go out

allll day today, and after this crappy week, i've felt like sumthings missing
i don't feel like 'me'.
and not only that, i can't go out anywhere and act myself because i can only cover up so much for so long.. and after awhile i just start to feel

duisrvwneriuvoecpwmw;co whenever i go somewhere
and i don't act how i usually would

i haven't had an appetite today
i ate a bowl of cereal and an apple and thats it
and that is DEFINITELY.not me hhah

the thing is, i donot. even know what's wrong
of course we're not supposed to dwell on anything from the past, but if fall this year were like fall last year i'd be okay
i'm just saying! hahah

the only thing i guess i can do is pray and try and listen to what i need to do
or look for a sign, because i don't know what it is i'm supposed to do.

i'm helpless when it comes to myself
,
like if i was riding a bike in the forest and both my tires(/wheels ?) went flat and my cell phone went dead
what do you do except pray. ahah

sooo im gonna keep pushing
and just do the right thing, hoping i'll feel whole again

yearss and YEARS ago, i'd go outside and sit on the curb
or lay down in the middle of the street in our neighborhood
and just look at nothing, for hours sometimes.. maybe that'll help o.O

kind of.

lost sight of how much i have

i was in a funk this morning and last night

just an unhappy one
and out of N0where it just came to me
how much i really do have
there's no reason to be upset when i'm so blessed
with the things like a car to drive
and a healthy family

its just sooo so.easy. to get off track

when the simple things are all that matter

!

title.

"everything and everyone is beautiful. God never creates ugly."

i was looking at sumbody's myspace page last night..
hah that sounds like a song.. 'i was checkin out a page, on the comp with sum rage..'
..... . . .. ....... sorry anyways

and this girl i was looking at was soooo SO PRETTY.
it made me think



ew .

not that im an ugly person
i think satan can just have his way of making you feel like you're so low

it DEFINITELY. isn't God. he wouldn't ever want you to feel like that. but.
it's exTREMELY easy to let yourself feel like you're not good enough,
and blame it on people, saying they were intimidating, or that they said you weren't pretty enough.
or smart enough
or whatever enough .

but the fact that you can let them get onto your head and let those ideas stick will make YOU believe it.


im not trying to sound smart

im just reminding myself this hah


im okay

im okay....
im okay


..

i don't know what to type anymore
i miss my friend

knowing its better not to hang out with sum people still doesn't seem to make it easier not doing it.
but its better for me i think

I'm not a very interesting person..
i've never written anything or said anything where people have heard it and said, 'wow..she's interesting!'
and i couldn't think of anything to put for my title.
so Hello.

Today was general conference instead of church
and for the first time ..ever,
I sat in my room and watched just about the entire thing today.

There was a talk given by our prophet, President Thomas S Monson, about service, and he said:
"Those who save their lives for themselves eventually shrivel up. One's greatest accomplishment comes from serving others."
He ALSO. went on and said:
"You will never feel regret for being kind. We are the Lord's hands to do what is right."

Thinking and stressing day after day about whether I should go on a mission had me go over sooo0 many things I'd be giving up..
my family
.dance.
school
my job
my friend..(s) ..hahha

and then I watched this talk, and to think that there are 500 new missionaries entering the training center every Wednesday makes me realize

that these things are always gonna be there. other missionaries realize this, and I'm SURE a lot of them have more to leave behind than I do..
it's hard being sooo completely connected to the only place you've grown up in all your life. but i am a grown-up now.
i need to do this for sumbody else. this has not one thing to do with me, other than the fact that i am needed to get this work done.

The prophet was not only talking about service for a mission, he was just talking about it in general. He says that every day we should ask ourselves, "what did I do for someone today?" because there is ALLLways. something to do for someone else. we are given the instruments and blessings to be able to bless and help others.
"Because I have been given much, I too must give."

not to get all preach-y or anything hah, but it makes sense.

but ANYway ! so i got a letter from a missionary on friday, and it helps me out S0 much getting these letters. i feel like there's someone else out there in this church that I can actually relate to..
not that i can't relate to a lot of people here, but i feel like i actually have a friend .
....
good feeling ! i feel like i'm being brought up more than down


i feel reallyy really good today.
i feel like i have something to offer other people
whether it be help, or something as simple as a smile
i think everyone has sumthing positive to offer everybody else,

and maybe we just need to take the step and actually make it happen. its so easy to let yourself be intimidated by other people
but being bold can really. be a good thing !


ANYway.
halloween's coming up. i'm beYOND glad its fall..it took forever. to get through the summer, but we made it



LAND HO!
hahhaha

ANYway. m not that good of a writer.. or a talker..
but it's a good thing i don't have friends to expect me to be either ! hahh

im gonna go take a shower and act like its christmastime in my 5 dolla sweats..
this is problly as cold as its gonna get hahah

the church is true!
lds.org