today is a day I have been waiting for, when I finally feel like me again.
"me". again. hahha
I'm not being selfish anymore, focusing on my own problems. In these past couple weeks, I've kind of lost myself in all "the madness", trying to figure out where exactly my place is in all that's been happening, while still trying to take care of myself.
But even though I've been trying my hardest to keep my sensitivity towards others, I haven't been caring for them as much as I usually do. And it's really sad, because I've felt it. I've felt myself being less caring, and it's horrible to say that I ignored it. I ignored the opportunity to try and do what Jesus would do.
Some people say it's easier to just not care, but how could it be easier to be stuck with the guilt of knowing you could have been the one to make someone smile, or make somebody's day, which could truly change their life !!
I'm okay now. It's true, the month of February always just SUCKS. I wanted to wait til tomorrow to b-log, but I figured I could at least end this crappy month with a BANG
hhaha
I've been lucky enough to find some reallllyy great people in my life, who have come and 'lifted' me, I guess, at just the right time. Being in my comfort zone will get.me.NOwhere.
There are people that care for me, and want to see me happy, as I do them.
There IS a plan, and I know God has put these people in my path to not only help keep me happy, but safe and true to myself.
There is nothing better than being your best self-not only FOR yourself, but for God who did not waste useless talents and strengths on you.
:)
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
bright
I tried not to let it get to this point hahh.
tomorrow will be one week since my grandpa died, and monday will be a week since my grnadma died.
I didn't realize until this happened that I have never gone through someone close to me dying. There have been people I've known who have died, but they weren't really close enough to me to effect the way I wake up every morning now.
Funny how I wasn't necessarily the closest to my grandparents.. no reason really, I was just 'busy'.
Being busy always takes up what is more important. I had to punk out on cooking with grandma one night because I had to work.
becauseihadtowork. that poor thing just wanted to spend time with me, and I know I still would've been able to survive if I hadn't worked that night.
I painted Grandma's nails for her before she died on Valentine's Day, so when I heard she was gone I painted my toes the same color hah.
The church has been soooo so good to us. Our phone has been ringing off.the.HOOK, and last night a lady from church brought us a cake hah :)
So many people have been praying for us, and I reallyy truly AM grateful, and have felt how it has kept me strong
but I still just cry. and cry, and cry. on my way to work, and at night, and whenever I try not to think about it.
I know that with a trial comes a blessing, so I'm hanging on to that
and to faith, of course
tomorrow will be one week since my grandpa died, and monday will be a week since my grnadma died.
I didn't realize until this happened that I have never gone through someone close to me dying. There have been people I've known who have died, but they weren't really close enough to me to effect the way I wake up every morning now.
Funny how I wasn't necessarily the closest to my grandparents.. no reason really, I was just 'busy'.
Being busy always takes up what is more important. I had to punk out on cooking with grandma one night because I had to work.
becauseihadtowork. that poor thing just wanted to spend time with me, and I know I still would've been able to survive if I hadn't worked that night.
I painted Grandma's nails for her before she died on Valentine's Day, so when I heard she was gone I painted my toes the same color hah.
The church has been soooo so good to us. Our phone has been ringing off.the.HOOK, and last night a lady from church brought us a cake hah :)
So many people have been praying for us, and I reallyy truly AM grateful, and have felt how it has kept me strong
but I still just cry. and cry, and cry. on my way to work, and at night, and whenever I try not to think about it.
I know that with a trial comes a blessing, so I'm hanging on to that
and to faith, of course
Thursday, February 11, 2010
my mind is blank when it comes to putting a title for this one
but blogs aren't about titles, are they ? ..o.O
I have found myself at an alltime low today for some reason.
or just this week. i think my grandparents' cancers have just taken an ENORMOUS chunk out of all of us, and now I'm not functioning" the same I guess.
I don't want to sound like a complainer
but my knee is hurting
and I've been trying to work on having better posture and my back is KILLING. me. and it scares me, because I know it's not just from working on my posture
I know that it will eventually get worse and I will mooostt likely have to have surgery on it, but it scares me to think it may be sooner rather than later. a 20 year old getting back surgery really ??!
I can't work out that much lately cuz of the achy's hah..and I feel lower and LOWER every day that I don't. I feel sick. which IS sick, because I shouldn't feel like that.
how sad.
I try not to let myself get to this point
..
I don't really have anybody to tell this to, and besides God, I don't really know anybody who would necessarily 'understand'.. at least noone I can think of that would.
of course life could be worse. of course everyone has issues. I'm not trying to be selfish in any way. I'm not trying to put the focus on me, or to make anyone feel sorry for me.
I just don't really feel like anybody can make me feel 'good' again. but I don't even know what 'good' would be to me.
o.o
but blogs aren't about titles, are they ? ..o.O
I have found myself at an alltime low today for some reason.
or just this week. i think my grandparents' cancers have just taken an ENORMOUS chunk out of all of us, and now I'm not functioning" the same I guess.
I don't want to sound like a complainer
but my knee is hurting
and I've been trying to work on having better posture and my back is KILLING. me. and it scares me, because I know it's not just from working on my posture
I know that it will eventually get worse and I will mooostt likely have to have surgery on it, but it scares me to think it may be sooner rather than later. a 20 year old getting back surgery really ??!
I can't work out that much lately cuz of the achy's hah..and I feel lower and LOWER every day that I don't. I feel sick. which IS sick, because I shouldn't feel like that.
how sad.
I try not to let myself get to this point
..
I don't really have anybody to tell this to, and besides God, I don't really know anybody who would necessarily 'understand'.. at least noone I can think of that would.
of course life could be worse. of course everyone has issues. I'm not trying to be selfish in any way. I'm not trying to put the focus on me, or to make anyone feel sorry for me.
I just don't really feel like anybody can make me feel 'good' again. but I don't even know what 'good' would be to me.
o.o
Thursday, February 4, 2010
hollyhoood!
went to l.a. to watch the show STOMP!
I had gone when I was younger, liiike. 5 years ago at leastt.. and didn't appreciate it NEARLY as much as when I went this time
it was one of the most amazing shows I think I will ever see in my life.
Being there, and just to l.a. in general makes me feel like I'm S0CLOSE to my dream
it makes me never wanna go home
I had gone when I was younger, liiike. 5 years ago at leastt.. and didn't appreciate it NEARLY as much as when I went this time
it was one of the most amazing shows I think I will ever see in my life.
Being there, and just to l.a. in general makes me feel like I'm S0CLOSE to my dream
it makes me never wanna go home
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