funny thing

how different people act in 'the world' today
it's so sad. Not being able to find yourself, or just be yourself for whatever reason that goes beyond 'being accepted'.
For the longest time, I didn't know how to just 'be myself'
it's not that I was afraid of not being accepted-it was more of just not knowing in any way at all who I was, so how can I be someone I don't know how to be?
you know ?

I finallyyy think I'm getting to figure out who I am.. not really the type of person I am, because I don't really think there are 'types'. But I think I'm getting a jyst..(jyst ?) of who I am. Not that I could find a way to really describe it.
I don't think it matters really who I am, as long as I make the people around me feel good.

Took Gina to the hospital this morning, cuz she was crying HYSTERICALLY. because of what turned out to be a kidney stone. So we're on our way there, and she can't sit still and is wailing and crying and breathing so hard.
And I felt so helpless. but not only helpless, I felt like I looked careless, just sitting there driving. I didn't know what I was supposed to do, but it was still a horrible feeling. sitting there not doing ANYthing.
I think I know now why people get more emotional the older they get, because they've been through more. And it's a LOT easier to feel for people when you've been in the same situation.
My journal said this a lot better though.

So! Since I get all churchy in just about every blog

2 Nephi 2:22-23-
"And now, behold, if Adam had not transgressed he would not have fallen, but he would have remained in the garden of Eden.
...They would have remained in a state of innocence, having no joy, for they knew no misery; doing good, for they knew no sin."

If we were never given trials to go through, how would we know what it feels like to be happy?

The Light

My mind has never been more blank, with more to say

whether I don't think anyone wants to hear it, or I just don't know where to start, I don't know.
I really don't.

I went out last night!
Gina and I went to my friend from church's St. Patrick's Day party, and a lottt of people from church were there.
And I realized how good of a time I have with them. How I have found a place with peope who don't really care where I've been and just want to see me do well.
and to BE well. It humbles me to know how good I have it, because God is so good.
I'm extreeemely proud of my sister. To see how far she's come, and how grounded she's kept ME through all of this. She really has no idea.

So. I'm doing okay now. I hope whoever might be reading this is too.

:)

the other side of heaven

today is a day I have been waiting for, when I finally feel like me again.

"me". again. hahha
I'm not being selfish anymore, focusing on my own problems. In these past couple weeks, I've kind of lost myself in all "the madness", trying to figure out where exactly my place is in all that's been happening, while still trying to take care of myself.
But even though I've been trying my hardest to keep my sensitivity towards others, I haven't been caring for them as much as I usually do. And it's really sad, because I've felt it. I've felt myself being less caring, and it's horrible to say that I ignored it. I ignored the opportunity to try and do what Jesus would do.

Some people say it's easier to just not care, but how could it be easier to be stuck with the guilt of knowing you could have been the one to make someone smile, or make somebody's day, which could truly change their life !!

I'm okay now. It's true, the month of February always just SUCKS. I wanted to wait til tomorrow to b-log, but I figured I could at least end this crappy month with a BANG
hhaha

I've been lucky enough to find some reallllyy great people in my life, who have come and 'lifted' me, I guess, at just the right time. Being in my comfort zone will get.me.NOwhere.
There are people that care for me, and want to see me happy, as I do them.
There IS a plan, and I know God has put these people in my path to not only help keep me happy, but safe and true to myself.

There is nothing better than being your best self-not only FOR yourself, but for God who did not waste useless talents and strengths on you.

:)

bright

I tried not to let it get to this point hahh.

tomorrow will be one week since my grandpa died, and monday will be a week since my grnadma died.
I didn't realize until this happened that I have never gone through someone close to me dying. There have been people I've known who have died, but they weren't really close enough to me to effect the way I wake up every morning now.

Funny how I wasn't necessarily the closest to my grandparents.. no reason really, I was just 'busy'.
Being busy always takes up what is more important. I had to punk out on cooking with grandma one night because I had to work.
becauseihadtowork. that poor thing just wanted to spend time with me, and I know I still would've been able to survive if I hadn't worked that night.

I painted Grandma's nails for her before she died on Valentine's Day, so when I heard she was gone I painted my toes the same color hah.

The church has been soooo so good to us. Our phone has been ringing off.the.HOOK, and last night a lady from church brought us a cake hah :)
So many people have been praying for us, and I reallyy truly AM grateful, and have felt how it has kept me strong
but I still just cry. and cry, and cry. on my way to work, and at night, and whenever I try not to think about it.

I know that with a trial comes a blessing, so I'm hanging on to that
and to faith, of course

my mind is blank when it comes to putting a title for this one
but blogs aren't about titles, are they ? ..o.O

I have found myself at an alltime low today for some reason.
or just this week. i think my grandparents' cancers have just taken an ENORMOUS chunk out of all of us, and now I'm not functioning" the same I guess.

I don't want to sound like a complainer
but my knee is hurting
and I've been trying to work on having better posture and my back is KILLING. me. and it scares me, because I know it's not just from working on my posture
I know that it will eventually get worse and I will mooostt likely have to have surgery on it, but it scares me to think it may be sooner rather than later. a 20 year old getting back surgery really ??!

I can't work out that much lately cuz of the achy's hah..and I feel lower and LOWER every day that I don't. I feel sick. which IS sick, because I shouldn't feel like that.
how sad.
I try not to let myself get to this point

..

I don't really have anybody to tell this to, and besides God, I don't really know anybody who would necessarily 'understand'.. at least noone I can think of that would.

of course life could be worse. of course everyone has issues. I'm not trying to be selfish in any way. I'm not trying to put the focus on me, or to make anyone feel sorry for me.
I just don't really feel like anybody can make me feel 'good' again. but I don't even know what 'good' would be to me.

o.o

hollyhoood!

went to l.a. to watch the show STOMP!

I had gone when I was younger, liiike. 5 years ago at leastt.. and didn't appreciate it NEARLY as much as when I went this time

it was one of the most amazing shows I think I will ever see in my life.
Being there, and just to l.a. in general makes me feel like I'm S0CLOSE to my dream

it makes me never wanna go home

Hey now..

In the matter of 20 years being a VERY. dramatic person
and in the matter of 1 week, everything has seemed to fall apart and together at the same time.

Of course, not everything has fallen apart. But when I go through a trial, I tend to put all of my attention and energy on what I'm going through, rather than putting my energy on what I am still blessed with.

"In trials, never blame God, and never ask 'why'. Having faith gives you the knowledge that everything will be alright. 'I know what I know, and that can't be taken from me through ANY trial.' There is only one who can turn anger into complete gratitude when His plan is understood."