500 days of summer

i want to act

but i think now. the more i watch movies, the more i realize i don't really like myself. not that there's anything bad to me i think i'm a good person
but then i see people in movies that are so much more creative than me, and it makes me not want to be

myself ?

i realize i'm not really as 'individual', you could say, at how I think.
of course the characters in the movie aren't real
but the lines are, and the ideas are from real people

i wonder.... if i had never watched a movie in my life, and liked the characters in them more than myself
if i would be the same person i am now.
if i hadn't of compared myself to them, or even tried to BE like them, would I be any different.
would i think any different, or be any more interesting, rather than just
average.

if we didn't have these things to influence us on what is the 'ideal' type of person in our minds, maybe it wouldn't be so hard for everyone to be themselves..
or to just not care what other people thought of them.

of course I could be wrong, but do i really want to try and contribute to people like me who are impressionable, so they turn to movies or shows instead of finding their own identity ?
i've always had a hard time thinking for myself. of course i have my own beliefs and opinions, but not necessarily my own identity. I guess that's just something to work on.
tell me to go shop for clothes that are completely my style, and I will have NO clue what to do.
"lost" if you will.


B.T.W. i finally deleted my myspace. ...1 month and 1 day later than i said i was going to
but BAM! did it. hahah. sooo0o proud. S0 proud.

"wait til you see my smile"

i woke up this morning, and for the first time this week i woke up with an overwhelmingly good feeling.
i went out on the balcony and just sat and read, then went and took a walk down perris by where i live.
ew i sound so old... .. ......
.... .. .
but at the beginning of the road on either side of it is just a liiine of trees, and they were changing alll different colors and falling while i was walking it was like straight out of a movie hah. so i walked up and down THAt about 3 times. people problly thought i didn't know where i was trying to go ahaha- i have to say though, I didn't think I needed to relax like that like I problly did.

so yesterday was cool!
lotss of dancing, and LOTS of all that christmas spirit going around school and work. It was just one of those days where nothing really goes wrong, but it's still kind of bittersweet because you know another day like that isn't gonna happen.. at least for a long time. because if amazing days just happened all the time, they wouldn't be so amazing after awhile.

it was a day with a lesson though, where you realize
that just a hug..or seeing OTHER people's happiness is all you need to hit the life back into you

fear

so church was amazing tonight, after this forthemostpartcrappy day hhaha.

I keep typing and then deleting
and then typing and deleting some more
I've done it about 3 times now because my mind is blank, but I still feel like I have so much to say

weird huh!
I feel like life is changing so much now, or is going to change so much, and so fast.
I'm trying to complain less.. even though it's not like I look for sympathy when I say sumthing like "it's hot".. I just say it.
But I'm afraid that life is going by too quick for me to catch up.
Someone I work with might have to quit, and I'm afraid I didn't take advantage of everyone I work with like I should. Because what if it becomes too late ? I'm just bad when it comes to handling change. I'm not just bad I'm HORRIBLE at it.
Let's not protect our pride hahh.
This hasn't really helped much either, I've just been writing in my journal ALOT and I'm not sure I have any more ink in my pen hhaha, so I started typing !
I'm really a happy person don't get me wrong..
I just need to keep reminding myself that the church is all I need to turn to if I feel like life is starting to go too fast, or out of control.

Life is good, it really is.. I just feel like I'm on a kind of low point right now. Not an extreme low point

just an I'm not sure what to do now that things have changed more than I was ready for point.
I hope there's a point for that, cuz I'm on it. hahahah

I don't get it

what do i do wrong !

"I can't shake this little feeling
I never get anything right" --Brand New
hah that^ was stupid

people swear like I know how to get along with everyone
when in reality. i don't.
i don't know how to have a long conversation wth hardly anybody .
i don't know how to keep things going!
i just think wayyy too hard ABOUT keeping things going

maybe I'm just so insecure that I'm scared to try and have a conversation
VERY. rarely can I look somebody in the eye for awhile while we're talking, I've realized.
I'm just a weird person. a reallyyy really weird person hah.
when you can't conversate, you make jokes.
:X!

it was church

all i needed
!


lds.org

saturday night

and im b-logging
i don't think i could get ANY . LAMER
than this.

i had plans tonight
:0

and i got DITCHED !!
:/
so here i am lookin all cute.. with that typical NOT going out face that looks kiind of like >:/.. but really means >:O hahahh
its okay though, i'm really not in the mood to go out

allll day today, and after this crappy week, i've felt like sumthings missing
i don't feel like 'me'.
and not only that, i can't go out anywhere and act myself because i can only cover up so much for so long.. and after awhile i just start to feel

duisrvwneriuvoecpwmw;co whenever i go somewhere
and i don't act how i usually would

i haven't had an appetite today
i ate a bowl of cereal and an apple and thats it
and that is DEFINITELY.not me hhah

the thing is, i donot. even know what's wrong
of course we're not supposed to dwell on anything from the past, but if fall this year were like fall last year i'd be okay
i'm just saying! hahah

the only thing i guess i can do is pray and try and listen to what i need to do
or look for a sign, because i don't know what it is i'm supposed to do.

i'm helpless when it comes to myself
,
like if i was riding a bike in the forest and both my tires(/wheels ?) went flat and my cell phone went dead
what do you do except pray. ahah

sooo im gonna keep pushing
and just do the right thing, hoping i'll feel whole again

yearss and YEARS ago, i'd go outside and sit on the curb
or lay down in the middle of the street in our neighborhood
and just look at nothing, for hours sometimes.. maybe that'll help o.O

kind of.

lost sight of how much i have

i was in a funk this morning and last night

just an unhappy one
and out of N0where it just came to me
how much i really do have
there's no reason to be upset when i'm so blessed
with the things like a car to drive
and a healthy family

its just sooo so.easy. to get off track

when the simple things are all that matter

!