perfect

would be the Special Ed. kids that crossed the crosswalk together while I was driving this morning

that kept looking back and waving, and smiling at me.
But not only smiling, it was more that they were overjoyed to see me, when they didn't even know me! Like they were overjoyed to see another one of their sisters, ....




Perfect is the fact that this world is horrible, yet they see so much hope in it. They only purely see the beauty, and they only see everyone as they are and can be.
Everybody softens their hearts toward these people. They're innocent, and flawless. How could one not ?

Anyway. I haven't really known what to put in this for awhile. Where to gather my thoughts to even start.
I feel like a completely different person from who I was abouttt. 2 weeks ago ahaha. Doesn't that sound lame ??!

But I've been given so much strength, that has helped me to solely rely on the Lord, and prayer. Not only my own prayers, but the prayers of others. I should be praying like I have been every single time I pray. It's too important not to!
Ryan's doing so well up at the MTC. I'm so proud of him! Every day he is gone I become a little bit stronger. I've learned how to not rely on anything on this earth, as any of it can be gone in a heartbeat. Ryan pushing himself is pushing me. Not only have I realized I can become sooo much more than I am right now, or was even aiming to be before, but I've noticed that as people, we seem to settle a LOT ! When the things that we have to work for become SO MUCH more worthwhile in the end. It's crazy really.

I'm logging off. I thank anyone who has thought to read this, and even put so much of a care into what is going on in my life. :p

April 27th, 2010

This is quite possibly

the hardest I've cried. in SO long.
Of course I know everything will be okay, but saying goodbye was so hard.

never in my life

never would have thought I would be right here
being treated how I believe every girl in this world deserves to be treated

I never would have thought I would be so emotional,
and at THAT, be able to have so many emotions going through me at once. My mind is blank, yet so much has gone through it today, I couldn't tell you one thing I was supposed to learn at school today.
What keeps grounding me when I start to feel like a failure in school, though, is the fact that
"we're all gonna die eventually anyway"
hahah
school will work itself out. life will work itself out.
Even though money may be wasted.. energy may be wasted. Life will keep going. And having that knowledge is truly what seems to be so important right now.

I have finally started to understand how little it matters what people think of you.
How, as long as you are trying your hardest to be your best self, no other thought, or word, or persecution can alter you.
You tried your best. You're giving as much as you can.

As long as I'm trying my best, and doing the best I can, every outside thought about me can never alter the inside.

This is going to be such a hard week. A great week, but a hard one.
I never. EVER. would have thought I would have been hit like this.

do it all again

WHAT.A.WEEK.

It seemed to just be going by, then before I know it, it's Saturday !

I find that the more I interact with people, the more chances I get to try and be a good example-and the more chances I get to try and be a good example, the more I can better myself.

wow what a concept lia. o.o.


It's so insane how much there is to learn about yourself every single day.
I didn't think there was so much to me, or to simply humans hahh
but every single person has their ability to mold into the exact person they see themselves being comfortable with
whether it be physically, or mentally/emotionally.
Crazy!

I'm sitting here and my mind just went completely blank. hahhhah I feel like such an airhead right now
:/





I just love the way life can go if you do the things that need to be done.
Or just rely on the Lord to guide you to do what you need to.
Yesterday I got my very first cavities filled, and me being the calm and under controlled person I am, I saw the 2-inch needle for my shot and was all, 'WHOOOAAAAAAA what is THATT!!?' hah
smooth.
instead of relying on God, I took that second to freak out. even though i should 'fear God, not man'

but it's lessons like those that kind of help steer me BACK into the right direction, to know what I should be doing, and who I should be trusting in.
I shouldn't even be planning anything. It hasn't gotten me anywhere in the past really. Because if I plan on something that isn't my will, what if it steers me into an entirely different life that is not nearlyy as good as the life I could be living by God's plan ?
ya digg !

I don't try to get all churchy on every blog..and I really did not think I would this time.
But it's all that matters to me now. At least if I'm one-dimensional, I'm one-dimensional with a purpose. hah

General Conference 2010

If you don't know what it is, go to beta.lds.org, and you can look up all of the talks by the presidency.
The have given talks on finding true happiness, not judging others, overcoming trials, life after death, and SO MANY MORE that will allllways, always, ALWAYS be able to lead me in the right direction
this year has just left me at
a loss for words, at how this gospel really works. how important it is in every single thing I do and say, and how I look at every trial that comes my way.

"Never let an earthly circumstance deliver you spiritually."

"With hope, order can emerge out of chaos."

What simple things people can say, yet at the time and situations you are going through in life mean so much!
It has broughten me to tears, how good my Heavenly Father has been to me, when I make mistakes every single day.

I don't mean to be.. Book of Mormon-thumping ? or whatever they call it.
I'm gonna be okay. I have not been given anything I cannot handle, nor has anyone.

And even though 'times is gettin tougher', we've been put in this life AT THIS TIME for a VERY.important reason. I know I'm not the brightest, but this much I do know.
No matter what, "Our 'duty' is to use all of our power for good, as has been done for us."

funny thing

how different people act in 'the world' today
it's so sad. Not being able to find yourself, or just be yourself for whatever reason that goes beyond 'being accepted'.
For the longest time, I didn't know how to just 'be myself'
it's not that I was afraid of not being accepted-it was more of just not knowing in any way at all who I was, so how can I be someone I don't know how to be?
you know ?

I finallyyy think I'm getting to figure out who I am.. not really the type of person I am, because I don't really think there are 'types'. But I think I'm getting a jyst..(jyst ?) of who I am. Not that I could find a way to really describe it.
I don't think it matters really who I am, as long as I make the people around me feel good.

Took Gina to the hospital this morning, cuz she was crying HYSTERICALLY. because of what turned out to be a kidney stone. So we're on our way there, and she can't sit still and is wailing and crying and breathing so hard.
And I felt so helpless. but not only helpless, I felt like I looked careless, just sitting there driving. I didn't know what I was supposed to do, but it was still a horrible feeling. sitting there not doing ANYthing.
I think I know now why people get more emotional the older they get, because they've been through more. And it's a LOT easier to feel for people when you've been in the same situation.
My journal said this a lot better though.

So! Since I get all churchy in just about every blog

2 Nephi 2:22-23-
"And now, behold, if Adam had not transgressed he would not have fallen, but he would have remained in the garden of Eden.
...They would have remained in a state of innocence, having no joy, for they knew no misery; doing good, for they knew no sin."

If we were never given trials to go through, how would we know what it feels like to be happy?

The Light

My mind has never been more blank, with more to say

whether I don't think anyone wants to hear it, or I just don't know where to start, I don't know.
I really don't.

I went out last night!
Gina and I went to my friend from church's St. Patrick's Day party, and a lottt of people from church were there.
And I realized how good of a time I have with them. How I have found a place with peope who don't really care where I've been and just want to see me do well.
and to BE well. It humbles me to know how good I have it, because God is so good.
I'm extreeemely proud of my sister. To see how far she's come, and how grounded she's kept ME through all of this. She really has no idea.

So. I'm doing okay now. I hope whoever might be reading this is too.

:)