my mind is blank when it comes to putting a title for this one
but blogs aren't about titles, are they ? ..o.O

I have found myself at an alltime low today for some reason.
or just this week. i think my grandparents' cancers have just taken an ENORMOUS chunk out of all of us, and now I'm not functioning" the same I guess.

I don't want to sound like a complainer
but my knee is hurting
and I've been trying to work on having better posture and my back is KILLING. me. and it scares me, because I know it's not just from working on my posture
I know that it will eventually get worse and I will mooostt likely have to have surgery on it, but it scares me to think it may be sooner rather than later. a 20 year old getting back surgery really ??!

I can't work out that much lately cuz of the achy's hah..and I feel lower and LOWER every day that I don't. I feel sick. which IS sick, because I shouldn't feel like that.
how sad.
I try not to let myself get to this point

..

I don't really have anybody to tell this to, and besides God, I don't really know anybody who would necessarily 'understand'.. at least noone I can think of that would.

of course life could be worse. of course everyone has issues. I'm not trying to be selfish in any way. I'm not trying to put the focus on me, or to make anyone feel sorry for me.
I just don't really feel like anybody can make me feel 'good' again. but I don't even know what 'good' would be to me.

o.o

hollyhoood!

went to l.a. to watch the show STOMP!

I had gone when I was younger, liiike. 5 years ago at leastt.. and didn't appreciate it NEARLY as much as when I went this time

it was one of the most amazing shows I think I will ever see in my life.
Being there, and just to l.a. in general makes me feel like I'm S0CLOSE to my dream

it makes me never wanna go home

Hey now..

In the matter of 20 years being a VERY. dramatic person
and in the matter of 1 week, everything has seemed to fall apart and together at the same time.

Of course, not everything has fallen apart. But when I go through a trial, I tend to put all of my attention and energy on what I'm going through, rather than putting my energy on what I am still blessed with.

"In trials, never blame God, and never ask 'why'. Having faith gives you the knowledge that everything will be alright. 'I know what I know, and that can't be taken from me through ANY trial.' There is only one who can turn anger into complete gratitude when His plan is understood."

Far, Far

I haven't been on this in awhile
wel it's been awhile to Me hah.. I feel more alive not relying on something to give me something to do like this
or Myspace. I really don't feel much different after deleting it to be completely honest. It just forces me to do SOMEthing, rather than sit in front of the computer. I go outside a LOT more, which I like doing more anyway

I went to San Diego on Saturday. It was BEAUTIFUL down there.
It's kind of funny being content in this city, and then going out and realizing how much more there is, like I always wanted to.
The sun down there was so bright and the air seemed S0 much clearer than ours..
there was so much to do, and so much LIFE

but I think I'm just one of those people that would get tired of all that 'life' constantly.
I like the quiet out here, without all the forest or w/e is usually tied into quiet towns. haha

I'm learning to become more content with myself also..
mostly because I keep praying, and praying, and PRAYING for it
it'll happen, I know it will eventually. it has to.

ahhhhhhhhheodhaledfhcqwoexn239934nc903n !!!

500 days of summer

i want to act

but i think now. the more i watch movies, the more i realize i don't really like myself. not that there's anything bad to me i think i'm a good person
but then i see people in movies that are so much more creative than me, and it makes me not want to be

myself ?

i realize i'm not really as 'individual', you could say, at how I think.
of course the characters in the movie aren't real
but the lines are, and the ideas are from real people

i wonder.... if i had never watched a movie in my life, and liked the characters in them more than myself
if i would be the same person i am now.
if i hadn't of compared myself to them, or even tried to BE like them, would I be any different.
would i think any different, or be any more interesting, rather than just
average.

if we didn't have these things to influence us on what is the 'ideal' type of person in our minds, maybe it wouldn't be so hard for everyone to be themselves..
or to just not care what other people thought of them.

of course I could be wrong, but do i really want to try and contribute to people like me who are impressionable, so they turn to movies or shows instead of finding their own identity ?
i've always had a hard time thinking for myself. of course i have my own beliefs and opinions, but not necessarily my own identity. I guess that's just something to work on.
tell me to go shop for clothes that are completely my style, and I will have NO clue what to do.
"lost" if you will.


B.T.W. i finally deleted my myspace. ...1 month and 1 day later than i said i was going to
but BAM! did it. hahah. sooo0o proud. S0 proud.

"wait til you see my smile"

i woke up this morning, and for the first time this week i woke up with an overwhelmingly good feeling.
i went out on the balcony and just sat and read, then went and took a walk down perris by where i live.
ew i sound so old... .. ......
.... .. .
but at the beginning of the road on either side of it is just a liiine of trees, and they were changing alll different colors and falling while i was walking it was like straight out of a movie hah. so i walked up and down THAt about 3 times. people problly thought i didn't know where i was trying to go ahaha- i have to say though, I didn't think I needed to relax like that like I problly did.

so yesterday was cool!
lotss of dancing, and LOTS of all that christmas spirit going around school and work. It was just one of those days where nothing really goes wrong, but it's still kind of bittersweet because you know another day like that isn't gonna happen.. at least for a long time. because if amazing days just happened all the time, they wouldn't be so amazing after awhile.

it was a day with a lesson though, where you realize
that just a hug..or seeing OTHER people's happiness is all you need to hit the life back into you

fear

so church was amazing tonight, after this forthemostpartcrappy day hhaha.

I keep typing and then deleting
and then typing and deleting some more
I've done it about 3 times now because my mind is blank, but I still feel like I have so much to say

weird huh!
I feel like life is changing so much now, or is going to change so much, and so fast.
I'm trying to complain less.. even though it's not like I look for sympathy when I say sumthing like "it's hot".. I just say it.
But I'm afraid that life is going by too quick for me to catch up.
Someone I work with might have to quit, and I'm afraid I didn't take advantage of everyone I work with like I should. Because what if it becomes too late ? I'm just bad when it comes to handling change. I'm not just bad I'm HORRIBLE at it.
Let's not protect our pride hahh.
This hasn't really helped much either, I've just been writing in my journal ALOT and I'm not sure I have any more ink in my pen hhaha, so I started typing !
I'm really a happy person don't get me wrong..
I just need to keep reminding myself that the church is all I need to turn to if I feel like life is starting to go too fast, or out of control.

Life is good, it really is.. I just feel like I'm on a kind of low point right now. Not an extreme low point

just an I'm not sure what to do now that things have changed more than I was ready for point.
I hope there's a point for that, cuz I'm on it. hahahah